Been Sold A Pup

You could say that in terms of the reality of Brexit, the vast majority of people who voted for it have:

been sold a pup. 

In the days following the Brexit vote, I heard many stories from non-white friends about an increased level of racist attacks. They were harangued at bus stops, in shops, just walking through town by people demanding to know why they were “still here” when the Brexit vote was to “take our country back.” This anecdotal evidence is sadly backed up by numerous reports and actual scientific research.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone who voted leave did so for racist reasons but let’s look at the issues around that campaign in the form of this handy tag-cloud generated by ITV at the time: 

Hmmm… what’s that big word in the middle? I can’t quite make it out? Oh yeah – IMMIGRATION! STOP THUH IMMIGANTS STEALIN OWR JOBS!!! AND WIMMINS!!111!!  BRINGIN OVER THEH SEASONED FOOOD AND NON-ROMAN NUMERALS!!!!!

Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “This is an outrage! I voted for Brexit and some of my best friends are darkies!” Well, fucking congrats to you ~ you’re the one person who voted in Chancellor Hitler purely because of your concern for train timetabling. But let’s be honest about the company you keep, eh? 

Moving on… the hilarious thing about the fuckwit racists having a go at my fellow non-whites is that their votes will mean that the first people to leave Britain will be foreign European workers. I know Poles, Lithuanians, Germans and others who are thinking of moving back to their respective homelands because of Brexit. All of these people happen to be as white as new-fallen snow. 

Do you see? 

The Brexit campaign whipped up a xenophobic frenzy, promising, in the eyes of the people it was swindling, a return to GREAT BRITAIN, a Britain free from immigrants. And when racists hear the word ‘immigrants,’ the first ethnic groups they think of are not white, trust me. 

And then what happens? SURPRISE, WE’RE ALL STILL HERE!

Which leads me inexorably back to: 

The idioms pig in a poke and sell a pup (or buy a pup) refer to a confidence trick originating in the Late Middle Ages, when meat was scarce, but cats and dogs were not.[1][2][3] The scheme entailed the sale of a suckling pig in a poke. The bag, sold unopened, would actually contain a cat or dog, which was substantially less valuable as a source of meat. The French idiom acheter (un) chat en poche (to buy a cat in a bag) refers to an actual sale of this nature, as do many European equivalents, while the English expression refers to the appearance of the trick.[4]

This trick may be the origin of the expression “letting the cat out of the bag“,[7] meaning to reveal that which is secret (if the would-be buyer opened the bag, the trick would be revealed).[4]

 ~ Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_in_a_poke)

I feel that the massive lurch to the right of Brexit is a perfect opportunity to inform people that con jobs aren’t new; they are so commonplace that we have enshrined this particular scam in languages from Britain to Vietnam

Nationalism is a perverse stupidity necessarily contained within borders. Wisdom is truly international. 

So, be careful when you see those buses emblazoned with how much extra money the NHS will get if you Vote Boris. Because you’re probably being sold a pup. Or, as the Zulu say, ” Ukuthenga ingulube esesakeni!”

Heteronormabored

One of the things I find most tedious about het porn is the INEVITABILITY of the sequence of sex actions. It’s always shit dialogue, oral (usually only one way, mind), vaginal, cumshot. Maybe they’ll throw in some anal, maybe they’ll go foot mad or something. But that’s it.

as an old, old man who remembers before it was all quarks round here, I am dulllllled dulll eduelsl argh by this.

Why not start with vaginal penetration and end with a light cheese omelette? And, no, I don’t mean a cum omelette ~ we’ve ALL eaten a cum omelette, I mean a piquant cheese omelette with a souffle-ish texture and a sprig of parsley on top. Hold the blat. 

Why not have the bloke come in an eggcup, put it on the roof of his car and then drive to the seaside? You could dub some oldey-timey Harold Lloyd music over this bit. It’d be mint. I wouldn’t know whether to wank or clap. 

Why not have the woman dressed up as godzilla and do that metallic SKRREEEKKKKK with every penile thrust? Perhaps she could shoot metal fire out of her arse when she fake-came? 

I mean, they say everything has been done but that’s just a lazy excuse dreamt up by postmodernists because they couldn’t be arsed to open their curtains in the morning. Those ideas above are FRESH and EDGY and NOT BEEN DONE BEFORE. 

god, I’m bored of porn. 

tumblr4lyf

i stfg, I come on here at fucking stupid o’clock, wishing I was dead and feeling worse inside and then one of you twats will do a post of statements wherein all the reactions are SPONGEOB SQUAREPANTS and I just fucking lose it.

I’m crying more than the end scene of blue is the warmest colour

in other news, a woman in Birds actually called me ‘duck’ when I went in to buy a cob earlier and i had to have a little cry in the car before going home

in other other news – the a52 is still fucked up and wth is going on in notts?

Nude Shoot With Tania

Last weekend, I did a nude shoot with the lovely Tania, as pictured above.

I’ve published one nude book so far and done numerous shoots but most of them are kept private as the models are sensitive about families / partners and what they’d think. 

So, it’s great to babe able to actually publish these shots, LIVE, on the nets! Woohoo!

I was nervous because it was a paid shoot, we had limited time and I have very definite ideas about what I don’t want to do. For a start, you will never see retouching on any of my pics. You will see digital cropping, levels, colour vibrancy and the very, very occasional spot removal at the request of a model. 

What you won’t see is the plastic-faced Stepford Wife ideal that is, apparently, sponsoring a whole new wave of how women can feel bad about themselves

I regard women as naturally beautiful. It’s my quest as a photographer to try and capture how *I* see women and share that with the world. In my non-nude portrait work, models will regularly say to me, “Oh, you’ve made me look beautiful!” And I have to correct them, no I didn’t. The beauty is all theirs; all I did was stand at the right spot at the right time and capture the right rays of light. 

Fundamentally, if you’re retouching the shit out of your portraits or nude work until the women look like bizarre Uncanny Valley replicants, then you are doing something wrong. Here’s my advice to you: 

STOP. CONSIDER THE DAMAGE YOU ARE DOING. WOMEN ARE SEEING YOUR IMAGES AND WONDERING WHY THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. 

Look, I’m a sociologist, I’ve read enough Kristeva and Barthes and Bazin to realise that every photographic image is not only a construction, it is an argument. I’m not arguing from some naive stance of ‘realism’ or ‘essential truth.’ I believe every image is a semiotic hand grenade, fling them around without concern and you will be hurting people. 

To stretch the metaphor past breaking… this nude shoot was a minefield for me! I want to represent Tania’s beauty and personality, I want to show how the light hugs her hips and kisses her abdomen. BUT I don’t want to be part of the same old bullshit discourse where all naturalism is lost in the effort of creating an ephemeral, anonymous ur-female, in trying to capture the immanent. 

So, have a look at my pics of Tania. Question how they make you feel. Question why I made them – what the fuck am I trying to say? What can I say in nude female photography that hasn’t been said a million times already? 

Then, when you have the answers… write a book about it, don’t send it to me! 😛

Tania

Fantasy Trek Crews

To boldly snog…

No, no, not THAT kind of fantasy, yer slash pervs! 😛

A discussion on Facebook lead me to posting this: 

This one is EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY:

From non-Trek SF telly: 
 
1. Captain Samantha Carter
2. First Officer Lee Adama
3. Chief Engineer Kaywinnet Lee Frye
4. Tactical/Security Officer Kiera Cameron
5. Helmsman Ulysses Adair
6. Chief Medical Officer Dr. Walter Bishop
7. Operations John Kennex
8. Science Officer Orac
 
From Trek: 
 
1. Captain Wesley Crusher
2. First Officer Amanda Rogers
3. Chief Engineer Hugh Borg
4. Tactical/Security Officer Gary Seven
5. Helmsman Morn
6. Chief Medical Officer Dr. M’Benga
7. Operations M’Ress
8. Science Officer Saru

What would your dream crew be, eh? 

BSG Versus Trek

My reply to the above:

If you compare TOS to reboot BSG, then it may look dated and certainly the effects are *now* inferior. BUT at the time TOS came out, it was a revolutionary series, in terms of both conception and (where the studio allowed!) execution. The first inter-racial kiss on US TV: check. A bridge crew of officers which included numerous human ethnicities AND Spock? Check. A future which is has abolished money and where education, food, shelter and healthcare are free for every human? Check. And it’s well known that Roddenberry actually wanted to push even further but the studio wouldn’t have it.

BSG may be absolutely “sexier” and “grittier” but *for the time it was made and released*, it took far fewer risks than TOS. So, BSG may seem edgier but, really, how many real risks did it take compared to TOS? None that I can remember.

Also, I would argue that dystopias are lazy, we’re drowning in them! Every new YA is set in a dystopia with a plucky Mary Sue-ish heroine torn between two boys, one bad, one good, both gorgeous and, like, totally into her. I’m not saying BSG is the same as Divergent or Maze Runner or The Hunger Games but it is Yet Another Robot Uprising Armageddon. It’s hard to write a happy song, very easy to write a sad one. Roddenberry’s genius is that he wrote a happy song that wasn’t The Frog Chorus. (see also Iain M. Banks’ Culture.)

Dystopia… pah, gimme a UTOPIA, like Roddenberry did. Give me an Earth with a mature, cohesive humanity, a place of wonder and beauty that can inspire us now. (And then pit that world against all kinds of wild, external baddie, sure.)

You can’t watch TOS now as it actually was back then because TOS itself changed the world. Trek permeates everything. BSG is quality entertainment, Trek is an entire philosophy of life.

Dating Profile Generator

Tired of trying to sound interesting online?

Fed-up with trying to find new ways in which to whore yourself to strangers?

Folks, you need the ONLINE DATING PROFILE GENERATOR!

Look what it came up with for me:

Smelly maniac seeks ruthless woman with a plump vulva for arson, car theft and maybe more

I am the maniac you’re looking for.

Hello ladies! I’m learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?

I’m a murderous kind of chap, who likes nothing more than arson with the right woman.

The first thing people usually notice about me is my surly personality, closly followed by my smashing testicles. I’m the man for you, if you like great testicles and orifices, particularly combined with ample baby oil.

I work as a maniac, helping rats. This allows me to exercise my skills: necromancy and haberdashery.

    My life goals include:

  • Star in the next Star Wars film.
  • Fall in love with you
  • Become the best maniac I can be
  • Help all the rats in the world

If you’re the right woman for me, you’ll be ruthless and vengeful. You won’t be afraid to rimming and will have a healthy respect for Communism.

My ideal date would involve car theft in hell with a ripe woman by my side. While we’re there, I admire your plump vulva whilst feeling I’m the luckiest man on the planet.

Let me tell you about a funny thing that happened to me last week. I was just helping an elderly across the road when I was hit by a car. I needed three stitches. BOOM!

May the force be with you.

Light me fire, babe

Jyoti Mishra

I mean… it’s fucking perfect!

 

Sigma 85mm f/1.4 Art Lens Test Shot

As a birthday pressie to myself, I bought the Sigma 85mm f/1.4 Art Lens.

Most of my portraiture is shot at 50mm, either with my f/1.8 or f/1.2 Canon lenses. I’d thought about getting an 85mm for a while now but the price of the Canon versions made me baulk. Then, along comes the Sigma, highly rated in reviews and I only have to sell the one kidney to buy it ~ RESULT!

When it arrived, I was struck by two things: first, how well made it feels, easily comparable to the silky smoothness of Canon L-series lenses. And secondly…. boy, is it made out of fucking neutronium or what? This is not a light lens (although it is a light lens as it’s a f/1.4… hehhhh). The 85mm on my Canon 5D Mk 4 is untenably heavy, I would want to use at least a monopod if I was shooting for longer than ninety minutes, preferably a tripod. Mounted (via the Sigma adaptor) on my Sony A7R3 and it’s lot more heftable, though the Sony looks slightly ridiculous hanging off the back of it. Like a chihuahua shagging a hippo. If I was tripod mounting this combo, I’d definitely want it to be via a lens ring rather than the camera body.

Luckily, my mate Nat was free to do some test shots and this is some of what we got:

 

Nat 85mm Test Shots

Enjoy! 😀

Radio 1 DJs – “What Are Furries?”

@BBCR1 #furries If you’re gonna talk about a subculture, it might help if your presenters don’t piss themselves laughing at it whilst introducing the clip. *hint* don’t become sociologists… ?

Seriously, though. First of all – who under 40 hasn’t even heard of furries in 2018? I cannot believe two YOUNG AND HIP AND HAPPENING Radio 1 DJs are so fucking out of it that they’re like, “WHAT IS THIS? PEOPLE DRESSING UP AS ANIMALS?”

For fuck’s sake CSI had a furry episode way back in 2003. 

FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO!

I suggest Radio 1 hire people with at least half a fucking clue about contemporary (sub)cultures OR train the current roster of Mike Read-school mundanes to be a bit more broad-minded, eh?

Being this out of touch, this ridiculously unhip is probably one of the reasons Radio 1 is haemorrhaging young listeners at a disastrous rate.

But, leaving that aside – what gives these DJs the right to laugh at another group of people? So they like getting dressed up as animals and having conventions and making like-minded mates? Is that just not 18-pints-of-lager-and-a-shag-outside-a-chip-shop enough for you?

I’m reminded of all the fucks who used to laugh at me for liking comics when I was a kid. Bullying starts with laughter.