I knew nothing about her MMA background then, all I knew is that this woman was utterly convincing as a super-badass agent. Unlike so much fighting in spy / action / superhero films, here was a protagonist who moved like a real fighter: the fluidity, the snakelike striking speed. SO FUCKING AWESOME. But it wasn’t just her fighting chops, she easily held her own against Michael Fassbender and has a wonderful, slow-burning cafe scene with Channing Tatum. And the fight scene with Fassbender?? The most disturbing fight scene I’ve seen since the Krav Maga in The Bourne Identity.
Next time was in Fast & Furious 6in which she played a taciturn but equally physically capable federal agent. Obviously, she wasn’t the lead in this so there’s not enough Carano screen time. Something I hope will be remedied when she takes the lead in the live-action adaptation of Avengelyne:
Avengelyne was the most feared warrior in Heaven’s Warhost, having single-handedly broken into Pandemonium, the outer fortress of Hell, to confront the Devil himself. She is a fallen angel, banished from Heaven by God after being tricked into questioning his love for humans. Avengelyne was stripped of all her angelic abilities, other than her great strength and her blood, which, once extracted from her body, could be used as a weapon or a miracle once empowered by quoting verses from the Bible. Although he appeared truly angry, God was trying to prepare Avengelyne for a coming war for which she would need to be strengthened. (Source: Wikipedia)
Oh yeah. She is going to be magnificent!
And you’ll be seeing her in 2016 in Deadpool as Angel Dust….
The sampler that I wrote Your Woman on, the sampler at the heart of a lot of my music twenty years ago was the EMAX II.
It was my first real sampler and I went mental on it. My previous experience was with a Boss RSD-10 which was wonderful but if you didn’t get the sample right first time, you were fucked. The Emax was a real sampler: editing, capture, mangling, envelopes, filters… So, I bought a load of floppies and went mad on it.
Wind forward to around 2000 or so. Sampling tech has moved on. The Emax II, which came out in 1989, was getting long in the tooth. And its 2Mb memory seemed limiting. So, I moved forward too, getting an Emulator 4XT rack unit. Eventually, I gave my Emax II away to a mate, knowing it would find a good home.
The years passed. Tech advanced inexorably, as it does. I bought other hardware samplers and never sampled into them. They were great as playback machines but the ease of sampling on the Emax was completely missing. Eventually everything became In The Box. I was a Logic Pro user, why did I even need an external sampler when I had EXS24 to play with? Here was a a soft sampler that could run rings around my missing friend in every way. Surely I could do loads of sampling with this fantastic doodad?
Like the old saying goes, the best camera is the one you have on you. And the best sampler is not the one with the highest specs or biggest library or most keygroups, it’s the one you actually use for sampling. I don’t want to play back other people’s sounds, I want to create my own sounds, sounds that no other human has ever heard before. I wanted an Emax II again!
Last year, after searching and waiting and searching and waiting again, I found one on Ebay. It wasn’t expensive but by the time I’d shipped it from the US and paid the hefty customs charge, it certainly wasn’t cheap.
When I unwrapped it, something rattled. I pretended I hadn’t heard it and hefted it into my studio. I plugged in my step-down transformer (don’t want to forget that and fry the poor thing!) and booted. And it worked! It even read my old floppy disks and I could load my Your Woman bank of sounds. That was spooky, hearing sounds that I’d created but not heard in over fifteen years. But for me to use the Emax II now, as a working sampler, it had to work with modern storage. So, I bought one of these:
With this drive, I could fool the Emax into thinking it was talking to a hard drive when it would actually be talking to a compact flash card shoved into a PCMCIA adaptor. Do you see the levels of tech crust involved here? CF cards themselves are on the way out now, everything seems SD or MicroSD but here’s a CF card pretending to be a PCMCIA card shoved into a slot of a drive pretending to be an ancient SCSI hard drive. It’s so beautifully baroque!
It didn’t work.
I spent hours, days fucking around with the SCSI buss and the terminators, remembering every moment what a huge pain in the arse SCSI was back then. I bought another SCSI drive. That didn’t work either. I bought a SCSI Zip drive and that didn’t work. It was then that I had to face the painful realisation that the SCSI on my freshly-bought Emax II was, in all likelihood, fucked.
I gave it a kiss, shed a tear and after wrapping it in a blanket, I put it to rest in the Great Wardrobe of Elderly Keyboards in my spare room.
I tried to put it all behind me. Forget it all. But, while I had had it working, it sounded amazing. I expected it to sound a bit ropey but characterful, you know, like when you go back to an old video game that you remember looking fabulous but now it just looks like some Lego wombling around. Not so with the Emax II. It had sounded wonderful. It had full, deep bass tones and that fabulous filter… it sounded better than anything softsamplers like the EXS24 could chuck out.
Then, a few weeks back, I was in the danger zone, browsing Ebay late at night and I saw… ANOTHER EMAX II! This one was in Britain. It wasn’t expensive. I had to have it. I HAD TO, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DON’T JUDGE ME!
When it arrived, it looked perfect, in far better nick than the rather weary looking sibling I’d locked away upstairs. No rattles either. I turned it on – yaay, it booted! I loaded some floppies, they worked. And then…. the big test. I got the CF->SCSI drive and hooked it up, stuck a card and left it to format. Previously, this is where the other Emax would hang. I came back after half an hour and THE CARD WAS FORMATTED. It worked, friends, it fucking WORKED!
So, I started to transfer my decrepit floppies onto snazzy, solid-state flash storage. Put in my Your Woman floppies and… DISK ERROR. CRC ERROR. ERROR after ERROR.
I almost wept then. I think a lesser geek would have built a bonfire of eccentric vintage samplers and had done with it. But that ain’t me, babe. I’ve wired Ethernet sockets, I’ve created Frankenstein-monster earbuds by soldering the tiny wisps of wiring onto new drivers, I’ve degaussed tape heads with pure thought energy… I wasn’t going to be beaten.
As a long shot, I took the SCSI drive with the formatted card upstairs and booted the other Emax after connecting it. Apprehensively, I told the Emax to scan the SCSI bus and THE DRIVE WAS THERE! Looking online, I’d read that different Emaxes could be very temperamental with SCSI but sometimes worked when presented with a working, formatted drive. Look, I know it sounds mental but don’t question it, alright? I took all the floppies the new Emax II couldn’t read upstairs and then loaded them on the old one and then copied the banks over to the CF card.
I brought the drive back downstairs, crossed my fingers and booted and then…
So, now I have a lovely Emax II back in my studio. I’ve been sampling on it, getting into that whole Alan Wilder vibe with it, y’know:
With the CF storage, it transcends hipster gear fetishism and is a viable, modern instrument.
More than that, the Emax II remains a beautiful instrument. It’s the easiest sampler to sample on and its converters and filters give it a character that no modern samplers, soft or otherwise, can match. It is alive, like a piano or guitar, it is unpredictable, capricious and utterly, utterly marvellous.
Appearing like a winged fairy-tale creature poised on a pedestal, this object is actually a billowing tower of cold gas and dust rising from a stellar nursery called the Eagle Nebula. The soaring tower is 9.5 light-years or about 90 trillion kilometres high, about twice the distance from our Sun to the next nearest star.
This is happy/sad. Happy because just this existing is fabulous. Sad because I was born in the wrong millennium so I’ll never get to see it with my own eyes.
And, if humanity keeps going the way we are, we’ll probably obliterate ourselves before we’ve even reached the asteroid belt, let alone 6,500 light-years away.
100 years ago today, Alan Mathison Turing was born.
One of my all-time heroes. The man who invented computing, the concept of the universal machine you’re reading this on and one of the finest minds ever.
Without him, Britain wouldn’t have survived the German Atlantic blockades and we would very likely been invaded / lost the war.
He was gay and got persecuted by the police and state for it, maybe resulting in his suicide. Or perhaps he was killed by MI5 as a security risk, who knows? I love the fact that the Nazis were dealt a death-strike by a homosexual. Coupled with all the Jewish scientists that fled to work with the Allies, it’s poetic justice.
On top of his supreme geekery, he was also an Olympic-class athlete! Any time I start to feel a bit bigheaded, I think of Alan Mathison Turing and realise what an insignificant, rubbish human being I am in comparison.
Happy Birthday, Alan! Thanks for the computer! And thanks for helping us defeat fascism! <3 <3 <3
Above is a summary of my Flickr stats for today. Most popular pic, clockwork. Second, fit girls. Third, fit lad. Fourth, group shot people have clicked on to see if they can spot themselves.
Now, here’s a graph of my views on this website. For some reason, it’s gradually increasing which is both gratifying and mystifying. After all, most of the stuff on here is rambling pointlessness mixed in with depressing antiwar rants. Still, I’m happy you’re reading!
As I’ve said before, having this kind of readership in the fanzine age would have been the wildest of indie kid fantasies. Sell 100 fanzines and you’re a superstar. Now that anyone can throw up a blog and connect with an audience, it seems most of us don’t bother. Weird that, innit? The same as loads of people have high-quality video cameras now but it hasn’t turned them all into Truffauts and Spielbergs.
Last bit of metablogging – the top posts on this site. Number one is the rant I did about passport RFIDs which has leapt up as it appeared on a few aggregating sites. Second is my rant about laptop DJing which I’ve now updated as it was getting so many views and was five years out of date. And the last is about my bloody eye! Are you lot okay out there or are you all stumbling round with bleeding eyes brought on by stressing about insecure passports and how you’re going to DJ? 😛
Soooo… I updated to iTunes 8 tonight. I like the new layout for albums:
Although iTunes remains rubbish at fetching album art so most of them remain blank.
I also love the new visualizer:
But the new Genius function seems rushed and half-baked. I’ve tried for the last two hours to get it to work and it simply doesn’t. Maybe my music library is too large (247 gigs at the mo) but even after it chuntered through it all the first time, it never got further than ‘sending information to Apple.’ This is what I keep getting:
The genius bit really is rather thick. *sigh*
Ah well… in the mean time, have a look at some more pretty iTunes pics:
It’s a Notts University site that has little videos about every element in the periodic table. If, like me, you’ve ever been a chemistry geek, this site will make your little heart leap with joy! 🙂
Of course, the first ones I clicked to look at where the fun ones like potassium and hydrogen. After all, the root of chemistry is the desire to blow stuff up! Or set it on fire…
Most of the time, you’ll see actual samples of the elements. Some of the more exotic ones that you can only get by smooshing other ones together down miles of linear accelerator, well, they’re harder to come by.
But at least you get a nice talk about them from the fantastic Martyn Poliakoff, whose urbane, clear delivery is only excelled by his radical ‘fro.
Being a pedant, there’s an obvious mistake I’ve noticed so far: the Swedish village of Ytterby has given its name directly to four elements, not three as two different chemists say in the vids. Yttrium, ytterbium, terbium and erbium. And another three were discovered there too – seven elements from the one town! Hooray for Ytterby!
But that’s a minor point. Really, how can anyone not love these vids? They’re pure magic. Or should I say alchemy… 🙂
This is the kind of thing that makes me glad the internet exists. As a kid, I used to pore over our set of Encyclopaedia Brittanicas, trying to learn the symbols and meanings by rote. I memorised the density of osmium at room temp (22.61 g per cc), marvelled at the fun of the alkali metals and puzzled over how to pronounce the more tongue-twisty rare earths … lanthanides… er, lanthanoids.
Seeing actual video of most of these elements – well, that would have made me as giddy and excited as it did just now, thirty-plus years later. Because, basically, chemistry is fun. I remember the first time I used a copper sulphate solution and a handy power supply (thanks, Hornby!) to plate a coin with pure, salmon-pink copper. To see that happening, in front of my eyes, was amazing. Trying to visualise what was going on with the ions, how the metal was magically appearing was good, brain-hurting fun.
So, do yourself a favour and pop over to the site, linked above. Even if you weren’t as much of a spod as I was at school, it’s fascinating to see the the elements that are in our light bulbs, catalytic converters and, of course, bodies.
Ahhh, memories… the reek of cyclohexane and my singed eyebrows is all coming back to me now… *sigh*