Jyoti’s Choice

First, if you’re reading this and you’re under the age of 20, come back in 15 years. You don’t need this post, you rapscallion, you cracked whelk. 

They gone? Good. 

And now, old people:

Around 1990, I was very unhappy with myself so I decided to change the way I lived. To institute this change, I made rules for myself. One is Jyoti’s Choice. Very simply (it goes deeper, of course) it says: 

  1. Given two choices, always choose the option that exposes you to more chaos, to more risk and to the greatest chance to meet new people and have new experiences. 

Obviously, this can be open to all manner of silly reductio ad absurdum. I do not mean that if someone gives you the choice of a nice cup of tea or a cup of hot bleach, you go, “YOU KNOW ME, GUV’NOR! GIMME THAT PEROXIDE!” and commence chugging that Domestos as if possessed by the satsuma essence of Trump himself.


What I mean is this: if someone gives you the choice of a nice cup of tea or a mystery drink which they swear is not poison or dog pooh etcetera, take the chance on the mystery drink. 

This may sound like an obvious thing to say and, indeed, if you’re a teenager reading this (I knew you’d ignore that re-direction!), your squishy-squashy brain is currently wired to choose the wild over the normal to an unhealthy degree. In those years, we are expected to be risk-taking idiots. I used to take part in ‘who can hold the firework for the longest’ competitions with my mates. How do you think that ended up for the unlucky ones? 

But as you age, your brain settles down. You get less embarrassed by the mere fact of your existence. You hopefully accept your strange body and maybe even make friends with it. You stop caring so much about what others think of you, which is the biggest relief of all. These are all good, healthy things. However, the corollary of all that is…

… you have fewer adventures.

It’s easy when you’re a teenage idiot surrounded by other teenage idiots to do idiotic things, to go out clubbing and then not sleep and then have cocaine for breakfast and then have unprotected sex with a bus shelter cos you’re still fucking mental from the night before. 

Sadly, there’s a lot less of that as you progress into your 30s and then 40s. 

So, Jyoti’s Choice is a way of nurturing spontaneity. Within reason. Do NOT hold that firework, do NOT drink that bleach, no matter how many bigger boys mock you. But DO weigh up every fork in your road during your day and think, ‘hmm, which is likelier to give me better memories, to be more fun, to help me meet new people?’

I mean, maybe the universe has feted you and you can just sit at home doing fuck-all and the front door will go and then, when you answer it, there’s a gorgeous naked person of your preferred type offering you unspeakably naughty sex but that’s never happened to me. If I decide to spend the night in, I sit on the sofa watching YouTube vids until I start falling asleep and then I go to bed. Big whoop. 

Last night, I was really tired. Ill tired. It was pissing down outside and I thought to myself, ‘Everyone will be at Download, City will be empty, I should stay in and save myself all the hassle of getting ready, driving there only to come home again, soaking.’

But then I thought, hold on, I’m breaking my own rule. So what if I do go and it’s rubbish? I’ll just come home again and at least I will have gotten out of the house.’

So I went out. And, at first, it was empty. But then two people I know turned up: 

And then these two girls I have never met before in my life came over and started dancing with me: 

And they were awesome and they were from Middlesbrough and I was chatting to them all night. 

And then I went up to this cute couple cos the smaller guy was singing along to ADTR’s Downfall with ALL of his existence and you know I’m there for that shit:

And then I had a fucking great night, I danced until 2.30 when I was just too tired to dance any more. I nearly died driving home on the A52 as the flooding was crazy but, eh, what you gonna do – I got to dance while I can

If I had been logical, if I had been grown-up and fucking dull, I would have stayed in. And I would have missed out on seeing some friends and also on meeting some lovely new humans. Maybe I’ll never see any of those people again but that doesn’t matter, we had a great night dancing and shouting lyrics at each other. Jyoti’s Choice saved the day, again. Well, night but you know what I mean. 

Give it a go. Don’t be silly, now, I’m not saying go chuck yourself off a mountain or something. I mean go to that party, join that band, paint that painting, tell that cute boy at the bar you like his terrible liferuiner. 

Baby, there’s no gods, no heaven, no coming back as anything, this is it. 

This is all there is. 

Why not get out there and fuck shit up, eh?