Tory Regrets Removing Legal Aid For Himself

Nigel Evans – “DOH!”

Tory MP Nigel Evans spent his life savings defending himself in court, after voting to reduce legal aid spending by 40 per cent, and is now calling for a reversal of the decision.
He said he would now vote against the cuts brought in by the Conservative/Lib Dem coalition, after false accusations of rape and sexual assault over a 10-year period forced him to spend £130,000 in legal fees.

(Source: Joe Co)

The basic problem with all Tories is that they have zero empathy. They only understand suffering if *they* directly experience it.

If they’re okay, fuck anyone who’s not, that’s their fault. If they’re not okay, everyone should help them. It’s a weapons-grade solipsism.

It’s also a uniquely childish mindset socialists leave behind around the age of 7 or so. Nice children know how to share.

Truth Is Where You Find It, Not Just Where You Bump And Grind It

“Superheroes are part of your brainless desire to replace true experience with simulation. You don’t talk, you watch talk shows. You don’t play games, you watch game shows. Travel, relationships, risk; every meaningful experience must be packaged and delivered to you to watch at a distance so that you can remain ever-sheltered, ever-passive, ever-ravenous consumers who can’t free themselves to rise from their couches, break a sweat, and participate in life.”


Screenslaver from Incredibles 2 or Marcuse… you decide…

David Plumbob, Straight White Male Middle-Class Master Photographer

CLOSE UP OF PLUMBOB WEARING OLD CLOTHES EVEN THOUGH HE IS RICHER THAN GOD:

PLUMBOB: I had a normal childhood, mansion, servants, you know, the usual. At university, I developed a real passion for photography… well, actually, it was for big boobs. I loved taking photos of big boobs. But I noticed, hey, no one is giving me props for this. I wanted to be up there with all the famous masters, I wanted to be acclaimed!

So, I whipped out my Amex Platinum card and booked myself a one-way ticket to some of the nicest hotels in the poorest countries of the world. It was gruelling for me, working sometimes two or three hours a day, having to mix with all kinds of weird, non-white, non-Western people. God, those fuckers are weird. But they make great subjects! 

What I learned on that first trip is the great skill it takes to remove all humanity from a subject, to make them a stereotype of the “ethnic.” You have to do extreme close ups, make sure it’s really, really unflattering. Exclude anything Western, like, make sure you take their cellphone off them, that is essential. Your goal here is to make a photo that a British Army officer could have taken during 1900 – 1920. Make the subject as powerless and objectified as possible, remove any hint of agency. 

You want to create photos that make the white viewer feel comfortably superior to the subject. You want to create that colonial glow in the viewer so try to get scenes that fit in with that narrative, like “tribal dances” (make sure they take off their Nikes first, lol!) or an old lady petting a yak or a baby with flies all over its face, looking near death. All that good stuff that will win you a photojournalism prize. 

Needless to say, black and white only, on film and preferably on a Leica that costs more than the subject country makes in a year. If you do shoot digital, make sure it’s on some weird old camera no-one else can get and have one of your assistants transfer it all to medium format before making Polaroids which you then display on a Game Boy Advance screen and take photos of that. 

On your Leica. 

In black and white. 

You Want A 1996-Themed Alternative Music Card? You Got It!

Just in case the tweet disappears, here’s the card that Emma Jackson (yes, THAT Emma Jackson!) found:

I reckon it was compiled from Mark And Lard playlists of 1996 as that’s a pretty wild mixture of bands / styles.

Seeing White Town on it is really very, very strange!

EDIT!!!

This just in from Emma herself:

Which is even better as I swear I don’t remember being in a John Peel Festive Fifty ever… though Crimbo of ’96 is when I was signing to EMI so everything was completely mental back then.

The Corruptive Power Of The Female-Presenting Nipple

Friends…

Last week I was an upstanding citizen. I went to work, I paid my taxes, Church twice on Sunday. 

But then, just a few days ago, I saw…

A FEMALE-PRESENTING NIPPLE

Now, I don’t know if the nipple was owned by a boy or a girl. I only know that it presented as female. What do I mean by this? Well, I’m not quite sure but, at the same time, I know exactly what I mean. Y’know… female-presenting. 

An hour after seeing this female-presenting nipple, I went on a ram-raiding spree. I knocked over fifteen sub post offices, three ATMs and a doughnut hut. 

Then I murdered, like, LOADS of people. Like…. LOADS. 

Even worse, I went round the skips at the back of Tescos and mixed all the recycling together with the non-recycling. 

YUP I DID IT

All of this, all this horror could have been prevented if only Tumblr had stepped up earlier and prevented me from seeing this fleshy derailer, this midget gem of malevolence, Satan’s radio tuner… THE FEMALE-PRESENTING NIPPLE!!!

Will no-one think of the children?