Dating Profile Generator

Tired of trying to sound interesting online?

Fed-up with trying to find new ways in which to whore yourself to strangers?

Folks, you need the ONLINE DATING PROFILE GENERATOR!

Look what it came up with for me:

Smelly maniac seeks ruthless woman with a plump vulva for arson, car theft and maybe more

I am the maniac you’re looking for.

Hello ladies! I’m learning about important dates in history. Wanna be one of them?

I’m a murderous kind of chap, who likes nothing more than arson with the right woman.

The first thing people usually notice about me is my surly personality, closly followed by my smashing testicles. I’m the man for you, if you like great testicles and orifices, particularly combined with ample baby oil.

I work as a maniac, helping rats. This allows me to exercise my skills: necromancy and haberdashery.

    My life goals include:

  • Star in the next Star Wars film.
  • Fall in love with you
  • Become the best maniac I can be
  • Help all the rats in the world

If you’re the right woman for me, you’ll be ruthless and vengeful. You won’t be afraid to rimming and will have a healthy respect for Communism.

My ideal date would involve car theft in hell with a ripe woman by my side. While we’re there, I admire your plump vulva whilst feeling I’m the luckiest man on the planet.

Let me tell you about a funny thing that happened to me last week. I was just helping an elderly across the road when I was hit by a car. I needed three stitches. BOOM!

May the force be with you.

Light me fire, babe

Jyoti Mishra

I mean… it’s fucking perfect!

 

Sigma 85mm f/1.4 Art Lens Test Shot

As a birthday pressie to myself, I bought the Sigma 85mm f/1.4 Art Lens.

Most of my portraiture is shot at 50mm, either with my f/1.8 or f/1.2 Canon lenses. I’d thought about getting an 85mm for a while now but the price of the Canon versions made me baulk. Then, along comes the Sigma, highly rated in reviews and I only have to sell the one kidney to buy it ~ RESULT!

When it arrived, I was struck by two things: first, how well made it feels, easily comparable to the silky smoothness of Canon L-series lenses. And secondly…. boy, is it made out of fucking neutronium or what? This is not a light lens (although it is a light lens as it’s a f/1.4… hehhhh). The 85mm on my Canon 5D Mk 4 is untenably heavy, I would want to use at least a monopod if I was shooting for longer than ninety minutes, preferably a tripod. Mounted (via the Sigma adaptor) on my Sony A7R3 and it’s lot more heftable, though the Sony looks slightly ridiculous hanging off the back of it. Like a chihuahua shagging a hippo. If I was tripod mounting this combo, I’d definitely want it to be via a lens ring rather than the camera body.

Luckily, my mate Nat was free to do some test shots and this is some of what we got:

 

Nat 85mm Test Shots

Enjoy! 😀

Radio 1 DJs – “What Are Furries?”

@BBCR1 #furries If you’re gonna talk about a subculture, it might help if your presenters don’t piss themselves laughing at it whilst introducing the clip. *hint* don’t become sociologists… ?

Seriously, though. First of all – who under 40 hasn’t even heard of furries in 2018? I cannot believe two YOUNG AND HIP AND HAPPENING Radio 1 DJs are so fucking out of it that they’re like, “WHAT IS THIS? PEOPLE DRESSING UP AS ANIMALS?”

For fuck’s sake CSI had a furry episode way back in 2003. 

FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO!

I suggest Radio 1 hire people with at least half a fucking clue about contemporary (sub)cultures OR train the current roster of Mike Read-school mundanes to be a bit more broad-minded, eh?

Being this out of touch, this ridiculously unhip is probably one of the reasons Radio 1 is haemorrhaging young listeners at a disastrous rate.

But, leaving that aside – what gives these DJs the right to laugh at another group of people? So they like getting dressed up as animals and having conventions and making like-minded mates? Is that just not 18-pints-of-lager-and-a-shag-outside-a-chip-shop enough for you?

I’m reminded of all the fucks who used to laugh at me for liking comics when I was a kid. Bullying starts with laughter.