I’m home and I’m listening to the new Belle And Sebastian album
And it’s good and it reminds me of you.
And I was okay cos I was in town with Emma and distracted
Probably talking shit about something or someone.
And I was okay because I’ve learned how to not see you
There, at the edge, don’t look, don’t think.
When I’m distracted enough.
And then I get this wave crash over me
Always shocking, always smothering
Like, NO no NO NO NO!
Trying to wake myself out of a nightmare
But then I realise I’m awake
And that I can’t wake up any more than I am.
Do you remember when my eye got injured in Norwich?
I had to walk to the hospital and back on my own
We were both really worried
I didn’t lose my eye
I lost you.
I wish it was the other way around.
I know, in some universe, that it is
I lost my eye but you stayed with me
I am so envious of that me
He probably thinks he’s unlucky
But if he could see my life:
He’d hold you
And kiss you
And hug you forever
And never let you go
He’d tuck your hair behind your ear
And listen to your beautiful voice
As you made the world beautiful.
Back in this universe,
Nothing means anything
Nothing has any flavour
So I eat and eat and eat
And then I sleep,
Hoping to see you smile again.