I realised tonight that nowadays I’m only happy when I’m dancing.

Should I be worried that the rest of my life is pretty grey?

Or should I be grateful that I’m happy at all? So many people are never happy, I’m lucky to experience joy.

Tonight, when TSSF came on, I was so happy. I was in a little, safe cocoon of joy that the thought of being sad didn’t exist, the concept wasn’t in me. I felt light, like I could jump over mountains.

My mates were round me, we were dancing and singing and shouting and punching each other occasionally. It was awesome fun.

When I shouted:

I’m trying hard
Real hard
Everyday not to lose my temper.

It was truer than I can explain with words. Sadness and anger twist and turn around each other. This confuses me. But then I remember I’m angry at myself.

Home now, the weight returns to my shoulders and every day it gets a little heavier.