In the instant I was unaware
I actually became aware
I don’t know if it was emotion
Or the flu virus in my body
Fucking with my brain
But I saw her letter
Everything looked strange to me
I’d try to look at something
And the outlines would shimmer and jump
Like a badly tuned telly
Back when you actually tuned tellies
In one of these jumps
I saw her letter
Nestled in the draw where it’s been for years
So long that I stopped seeing it
As my vision strobed and my head hammered
I opened the letter and read her words
Hiding from me for 24 years
A clear warning from that past
And this future
A fragile Möbius curl of insane improbability
We should never have started trying to reckon the edges
On Sunday evening, I started to feel a bit cold. I hadn’t done as much exercise as normal so I went on the treadmill for an hour. I didn’t realise then that the shivering wasn’t from inactivity, it was from an RNA viral infection by the family Orthomyxoviridae. I’d got the flu. And I’d just done strenuous exercise.
Well, Sunday night I was delirious, pure, pure crazy. To say it was horrendous is a vast understatement. My brain felt like it was boiling in my head, every bone in my body ached and I alternated between running with sweat and shivering.
The emotional background to this is that the Friday and Saturday before the Sunday had been perhaps the most horrible start of a weekend I’ve had since… well, since I can’t remember. The fallout was heavy – I cried solidly for two hours, kid crying where you can’t catch your breath. The entire day Saturday consisted of running over things in my head, again and again. And again and again. Trying to find a way through it all without changing my life drastically. A perspective that seemed rational so that I could write off my own feelings as irrational.
I didn’t find it.
By Sunday, I was fucking drained. No sleep for two nights, trying to bend a narrative around facts that just wouldn’t fit, wondering at the surreality of it all. I felt paper-thin, rubbed away to nothing by the violence of the weekend. I tried to not think about it but I couldn’t – I can’t remember another time I’ve been attacked so cruelly.
I haven’t been seriously ill in months. I think I’ve had a couple of mild sore throats but that’s it. So, is it a total coincidence that I get the flu this weekend? As a Reichian, I’m in no doubt that it was a contributory factor but more mainstream science agrees.
I had to edit out the last part of this post as it was entirely dishonest. I’d tried to be optimistic, upbeat and that’s not how I feel at all. I’m feeling worried and stressed, lost and confused. And I’ve got a feeling I’ve not had in decades: I’m scared of the person I love.