On Love

On Love

So I asked her if she trusted me.

She said yes.

So I kissed her.

The first time I was kissed, I cried just like a one year old. I couldn’t catch my breath, the emotions were so overpowering. Although it’s 23 years ago now, I remember that night so vividly, with such detail and crushing depth that I’m always in the moment. It’s nailed there, never dying, never ending. An eternal, shocking kiss.

I’m a materialist, I don’t believe in god or ghosts or whatnot. And yet, I cannot deny the magic that crackles around love, the energy that is arcing between two (or more) people.

Sometimes the energy attacks us. We dwindle and crack in withdrawal. Feeling so smugly whole in the presence of our loves, their absence chops us into tiny pieces, every cut savoured as much as it is feared. Being with them fills us up, being without them drains us. In a maddening way, we feel less than we were before we met them. But that isn’t true, in positive relationships. What’s actually happening is that encountering them has revealed how much we were missing.

Who, in all sanity, would want this? Who would choose it? I wouldn’t and I suspect you probably wouldn’t.

But, oh! Oh! – those other times…

To look into someone’s eyes and to see them gaze back at you, unwavering and fearless. Open and vulnerable, seemingly weak yet actually immensely strong in their defencelessness. To be able to talk in your own argot of references and allusions, shorthand born from shared experiences and commonality beyond every norm. Eventually, to become telepathic, the synchronisation being so entire and so undeniable that it guides interactions into the magical, however much we rationalise the spell cast in terms of cueing or suggestion.

To know that someone, somewhere, just gets it. Needs no explanation or justification. They won’t fall back on the bourgeois failsafes of ridicule or embarrassment because they just get it.

If I think of the women in my heart, the feelings above leap up. I feel nervous or I start trembling. Occasionally, I find myself crying and then have to rush out to the Westfield or wait till I can dance it all off. Because, mostly, I’m thinking of love lost, love passed and past. I’m thinking of the biggest love in my life and how every day without her screeches and claws at me, tearing through every armour I try to forge, pitilessly. I wonder when those feelings won’t be hovering just at the edge of my vision: won’t look, can’t look – don’t look.

But sometimes, amazingly, I’m thinking of understanding and care returned. Of patience, courage and intellect that makes me feel timid and so, so foolish in comparison. Of a calmness and sobriety that shames me.

Of someone who replies when I say hello.

And then, I feel happy.

Bzangy Groink Playlist 21/7/10

Broken Links

Woohoo, another busy night with *loads* of requests which I managed to honour as well as cramming in as much new stuff as possible! The best new song tonight was ‘What Are You Waiting For?’ by Broken Links. When I first downloaded and clicked play on Broken Links, I had no idea what would leap out. And it was one of those moments that keeps me DJing, keeps me looking for new music as what spilled out of my speakers was a delicious mix of goth, indie and synthy weirdness. Tying it all together is an immense melodic catchiness. Really, I think Broken Links will be huge sometime soon, do yourself a favour and get on them now so you can be smug then.


The best old track was also a lovely collision of goth and pop: Red Lorry Yellow Lorry’s ‘Walking On Your Hands.’ I fucking love this song so much, it’s one of those tunes that makes you want to dance and punch stuff and hit your head against walls, all in the purest sense of physical joy. What a guitar riff, what a bassline! And who doesn’t love goth drum machineness. Lovely.

This is what you heard:

Digital Mystikz – Unexpected
Rakaa – Mean Streak Feat. Chali 2na
I Am Arrows – Green Grass
Curse ov Dialect – My Song
RJD2 – You Never Had it
LCD Soundsystem – North American Scum
Klashnekoff – Klashn Anthem (Ft. D.Ablo) (Prod. By Smasher)
Soul Intent – For The Headz
Galactic – And I’m Out (Feat. Mr. Lif)
Everyone Everywhere – Raw Bar OBX 2002
Here We Go Magic – Old World United
Grum – cybernetic
Gojira – Toxic Garbage Island
sir Yes sir – Have I Hell
Random & K-Murdock – Episode III (A New Day)
The Like – He’s Not A Boy
These Waves – Consolation Prize
Bassnectar – Art of Revolution
A Day to Remember – The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle
The Let Go – Dreams Over
Cuba Cuba – Golden Grounds
The Research – C’mon Chameleon
Confide – My Choice Of Words
Captain Mantell – A Little Shit Shit
Incise – Got To Go Ft. Nieve
Hit the Lights – Drop The Girl
The Blueskies – Hen Nights And The Homeless
Fix Dot’M – Britains Got Talent
The Ghost Inside – Greater Distance
Netsky – Secret Agent
PTTRNS – Higher Grounds
Vanna – Into Hell’s Mouth We March
At The Drive In – pattern against user
N.W.A. – Straight Outta Compton
The Effort – 1958
TC – Where’s My Money (Caspa Remix)
Broken Links – What are you waiting for?
Red Lorry Yellow Lorry – Walking On Your Hands
Kero One – My Devotion
Tame Impala – Lucidity
Huoratron – Trolls
Stars – We Don’t Want Your Body
The Cab – Take My Hand
Diversion Tactics – Return Of The Ladies Man
Ventura – With Ifs
Rabbit Children – Keip
DOOM – My Favorite Ladies/Remain Ft. Jose Gonz-Lez
Red Dons – Unheard Words
Faded Paper Figures – Small Talk
zeller – Time Dilation
Tigers Jaw – Lodging
Joker & Ginz – Stash
Four Year Strong – It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now
Random Hand – Play Some Ska
White Lung – Loose Heels
The Toxic Avenger – Mode Arcade