TNT = Infuriating, Apple = Wankers

TNT Orange ninja cards

So, I know my new iPhone might arrive this morning, I’m pottering around, doing quiet stuff when I should be in the studio, working on the album. Ah well, a half day lost, nothing to be done.

I walk by the front door and…

… some ninja has popped a ‘Sorry we missed you!’ cheery orange note through the door. They can’t have rung the doorbell or I would have heard them. Maybe they just got a mouse to cough politely or something.

I ring TNT. Get a nice lady. She puts me on hold for five mins and then…

Her: “They can re-deliver today.”
Me: “Ahh, great, thanks! When?”
Her: “Sometime before 6?”
Me: “What? It’s 12.20 now, can’t you ring the driver and get an estimate of when it’ll be?”
Her: “No, there’s no way to get in touch with the driver”
Me: “So I just have to waste another half a day?”
Her: “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do. But it’ll most likely be there by three, to be honest, then they start doing pick-ups”


I wait. And wait. More quietly than a dandelion seed wrapped in cotton wool under a duvet in an anechoic chamber. I daren’t go to the loo or have a shower in case the crack ninjas of TNT whip another orange card through my door before driving off, cackling at their stealthiness.

Three comes and goes. So does four. I’ve now wasted pretty much from 8am waiting on TNT. I get irascible and ring up. Get a very pleasant bloke this time:

Me: (explain history of consignment)… “So, do you know when it’ll be here?”
Him: “Ummm, I’ll just check with the depot.” (Hold for a while.)
Him: “I’m sorry sir, it’s not being re-delivered today.”
Me: “What? But the lady earlier told me it had been sent out again and that it’d be delivered today!”
Him: “Do you know who that was? Because we have no record of that here and the depot says the package isn’t out with a driver. It won’t arrive till tomorrow.”
Me: “So, I’ve just stayed in the last four hours for nothing??”
Him: “I’m very sorry sir.”

I’ll give them this – they’re all very polite.

Angrier than a wasp at a hornet convention, I go to town. There, meeting lovely friends, going girly clothes shopping and hot choc calm my Hulking-out to mere wibbling.

Come home and…

… there’s another fucking orange card! They tried to deliver it at 5.15! What the fuck?

So, I ring up for the third time today.

Me: (yet another run through of the fable) “So… what’s happening.”
New Bloke: “We can deliver it tomorrow for you sir!”
Me: “Great! What time, am or pm?”
NB: “We can’t specify that, sir, it’ll be some time between 8am and 6pm.”
Me: “So, you’re saying I have to waste another entire workday waiting on you?”
NB: “I’m sorry, sir, there’s nothing we can do.”

This is 2010. They can’t ring their drivers, their driver can’t do the obvious thing of ringing me (which Sainsbury’s drivers do all the time when schedules change), they can’t even give an am or pm. It strikes me that this is pretty fucking piss-poor in terms of being a delivery service.

If I don’t get my iPhone tomorrow morning, I think I’ll just let it go back to Apple and cancel the entire fucking thing. After all, it’s Apple’s fault for employing such a drably, comically inefficient delivery service. If you pay £600 for an item, you expect delivery to go smoothly and not turn into a French fucking farce.

Who even knows if I’ll get the fucking thing tomorrow?

I want this day of my life back.

On Love

On Love

So I asked her if she trusted me.

She said yes.

So I kissed her.

The first time I was kissed, I cried just like a one year old. I couldn’t catch my breath, the emotions were so overpowering. Although it’s 23 years ago now, I remember that night so vividly, with such detail and crushing depth that I’m always in the moment. It’s nailed there, never dying, never ending. An eternal, shocking kiss.

I’m a materialist, I don’t believe in god or ghosts or whatnot. And yet, I cannot deny the magic that crackles around love, the energy that is arcing between two (or more) people.

Sometimes the energy attacks us. We dwindle and crack in withdrawal. Feeling so smugly whole in the presence of our loves, their absence chops us into tiny pieces, every cut savoured as much as it is feared. Being with them fills us up, being without them drains us. In a maddening way, we feel less than we were before we met them. But that isn’t true, in positive relationships. What’s actually happening is that encountering them has revealed how much we were missing.

Who, in all sanity, would want this? Who would choose it? I wouldn’t and I suspect you probably wouldn’t.

But, oh! Oh! – those other times…

To look into someone’s eyes and to see them gaze back at you, unwavering and fearless. Open and vulnerable, seemingly weak yet actually immensely strong in their defencelessness. To be able to talk in your own argot of references and allusions, shorthand born from shared experiences and commonality beyond every norm. Eventually, to become telepathic, the synchronisation being so entire and so undeniable that it guides interactions into the magical, however much we rationalise the spell cast in terms of cueing or suggestion.

To know that someone, somewhere, just gets it. Needs no explanation or justification. They won’t fall back on the bourgeois failsafes of ridicule or embarrassment because they just get it.

If I think of the women in my heart, the feelings above leap up. I feel nervous or I start trembling. Occasionally, I find myself crying and then have to rush out to the Westfield or wait till I can dance it all off. Because, mostly, I’m thinking of love lost, love passed and past. I’m thinking of the biggest love in my life and how every day without her screeches and claws at me, tearing through every armour I try to forge, pitilessly. I wonder when those feelings won’t be hovering just at the edge of my vision: won’t look, can’t look – don’t look.

But sometimes, amazingly, I’m thinking of understanding and care returned. Of patience, courage and intellect that makes me feel timid and so, so foolish in comparison. Of a calmness and sobriety that shames me.

Of someone who replies when I say hello.

And then, I feel happy.

Bzangy Groink Playlist 21/7/10

Broken Links

Woohoo, another busy night with *loads* of requests which I managed to honour as well as cramming in as much new stuff as possible! The best new song tonight was ‘What Are You Waiting For?’ by Broken Links. When I first downloaded and clicked play on Broken Links, I had no idea what would leap out. And it was one of those moments that keeps me DJing, keeps me looking for new music as what spilled out of my speakers was a delicious mix of goth, indie and synthy weirdness. Tying it all together is an immense melodic catchiness. Really, I think Broken Links will be huge sometime soon, do yourself a favour and get on them now so you can be smug then.


The best old track was also a lovely collision of goth and pop: Red Lorry Yellow Lorry’s ‘Walking On Your Hands.’ I fucking love this song so much, it’s one of those tunes that makes you want to dance and punch stuff and hit your head against walls, all in the purest sense of physical joy. What a guitar riff, what a bassline! And who doesn’t love goth drum machineness. Lovely.

This is what you heard:

Digital Mystikz – Unexpected
Rakaa – Mean Streak Feat. Chali 2na
I Am Arrows – Green Grass
Curse ov Dialect – My Song
RJD2 – You Never Had it
LCD Soundsystem – North American Scum
Klashnekoff – Klashn Anthem (Ft. D.Ablo) (Prod. By Smasher)
Soul Intent – For The Headz
Galactic – And I’m Out (Feat. Mr. Lif)
Everyone Everywhere – Raw Bar OBX 2002
Here We Go Magic – Old World United
Grum – cybernetic
Gojira – Toxic Garbage Island
sir Yes sir – Have I Hell
Random & K-Murdock – Episode III (A New Day)
The Like – He’s Not A Boy
These Waves – Consolation Prize
Bassnectar – Art of Revolution
A Day to Remember – The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle
The Let Go – Dreams Over
Cuba Cuba – Golden Grounds
The Research – C’mon Chameleon
Confide – My Choice Of Words
Captain Mantell – A Little Shit Shit
Incise – Got To Go Ft. Nieve
Hit the Lights – Drop The Girl
The Blueskies – Hen Nights And The Homeless
Fix Dot’M – Britains Got Talent
The Ghost Inside – Greater Distance
Netsky – Secret Agent
PTTRNS – Higher Grounds
Vanna – Into Hell’s Mouth We March
At The Drive In – pattern against user
N.W.A. – Straight Outta Compton
The Effort – 1958
TC – Where’s My Money (Caspa Remix)
Broken Links – What are you waiting for?
Red Lorry Yellow Lorry – Walking On Your Hands
Kero One – My Devotion
Tame Impala – Lucidity
Huoratron – Trolls
Stars – We Don’t Want Your Body
The Cab – Take My Hand
Diversion Tactics – Return Of The Ladies Man
Ventura – With Ifs
Rabbit Children – Keip
DOOM – My Favorite Ladies/Remain Ft. Jose Gonz-Lez
Red Dons – Unheard Words
Faded Paper Figures – Small Talk
zeller – Time Dilation
Tigers Jaw – Lodging
Joker & Ginz – Stash
Four Year Strong – It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now
Random Hand – Play Some Ska
White Lung – Loose Heels
The Toxic Avenger – Mode Arcade

Bzangy Groink Playlist 7/7/10


No one top new track tonight because instead there were three tracks from the fantastic new album by Huoratron. Last year, Vitalic made it to the topspot in my best albums list. I have a feeling that Huoratron’s mix of stupid, stupid noises, slamming, horrible beats and the sound of seagulls being shredded is going to do the same this year. It’s gonna be in the top five at least. Check it out if you’ve ever liked any electronic music of any form whatsoever.

A Tribe Called Quest

It was also a very busy night so I got loads of requests. Hence the chunks of old hip hop and ska in the playlist. So, this week’s top old tune was the simply sumptuous ‘We Can Get Down’ by A Tribe Called Quest. I have listened to this song a ridiculous amount of times and yet, every time I hear it, I’m amazed at the melding of rhymes and beats. It’s perfect. Flawless. Perfection.

This is what youse hoird:

Taz Buckfaster – au revoir
Call the Cops – So Over You
Young Buck – Pulling Me Back
Boom Pam – Alakazam
Blackmarket – Tongue Twister Typo
Relation – Your Tiny Mind (Lifelike Remix)
Spanky Loco – Way Low
Broken Links – Reinvent
MC Esoteric – Waxing On Decepticon
The Bloody Beetroots – Awesome
The Like – He’s Not A Boy
Spit Syndicate – Kings Only
Huoratron – Gbay
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – 103
Four Year Strong – Wasting Time (Eternal Summer)
The Herbaliser – It Aint Nuttin feat. MF Doom
Upon A Burning Body – Carlito’s Way
Cuba Cuba – Golden Grounds
Gojira – Toxic Garbage Island
Copywrite – Weather Report (Feat. Cage)
Not Advised – A Red Light Situation
Minor Threat – Minor Threat
Rude Kid – Jack Daniels
The Ghost Inside – Greater Distance
Tokyo Police Club – Favourite Colour
Motion City Soundtrack – Fell in Love Without You
Apollo Brown – Odds Ain’t Fair feat Hassaan Mackey
DEFRAG – the stones
Taking Back Sunday – Timberwolves at New Jersey
Stars – We Don’t Want Your Body
Huoratron – Trolls
Cut Copy – Future
Norma Jean – The Anthem Of The Angry Brides
Josh Rizebe – Politricks 2
Bassnectar – Art of Revolution
Allo Darlin’ – Silver Dollars
Duke Squad – We Are the Young
Chrome Dome – Till You Hit The Floor
Diversion Tactics – Where Im From?
The Blueskies – Hen Nights And The Homeless
Milkteeth – Kitastrafy
Confide – My Choice Of Words
Shad – Rose Garden
sir Yes sir – Have I Hell
KOAN Sound – Garden Of Buddha
The Sirens Of Venice – It’s In My Head
The Narrator – SurfJew
Snow & Voices – Maybe Finland
Akir – Politricks
Nas – Get Down
Tribe Called Quest – We Can Get Down
Blag’ard – Major
Huoratron – Prevenge
Pelican – An Inch Above Sand
Ventura – With Ifs
CEO – Illuminata
Diversion Tactics – Return Of The Ladies Man
The Effort – Dear Sarah
Lykke Li – Little Bit
All Time Low – Dear Maria, Count Me In
Bonaparte – Computer In Love
Kempi – 500 gram
CEO – Illuminata
The Ethiopians – Train to Skaville
Desmond Dekker & The Aces – 007 (Shanty Town)
I Am Abomination – Since 1776
Jens Lekman – I Saw Her In The Anti War Demonstration
Anarbor – Drugstore Diet
Surfer Blood – Floating Vibes
Converge – Concubine
TC – Where’s My Money (Caspa Remix)
Neutral Milk Hotel – The King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1
Sufjan Stevens – Chicago
Wilco – Wilco (The Song)

Bzangy Groink Playlist 16/6/10

Woah, a while ago so let me give my memory cells a poke…
Tame Impala
The best new track was Tame Impala’s ‘Lucidity.’ Sea breezes and clear, moonlit nights – that’s what this wonderfully dreamy track by psychpop lovers Tame Impala sounds like. Mmmm.

Casey Jones
The best old track was Casey Jone’s ‘If You’re Smoking In Here You Better Be On Fire.’ A lovely dollop of sXe hardcore, one to nail to your heart. 🙂

This is what you heard:

Rude Kid – Emergency
Cloud Control – The Rolling Stones
Blacastan – Anything Less
Tigers Jaw – Lodging
KOAN Sound – Garden Of Buddha
Funfun – The Trouble With Harry
Verbal Kent – Wreak Havok
Jaguar Love – Cherry Soda
veara – We Have a Body Count
Bassnectar – Art of Revolution
PTTRNS – Higher Grounds
DEFRAG – the stones
MC Esoteric – Waxing On Decepticon
Confide – My Choice Of Words
Tame Impala – Lucidity
Mystic Man – New Jack Swing
Anarbor – Let The Games Begin
HEALTH – Die Slow (Tobacco Remix)
The Drums – Let’s Go Surfing
Wir sind Helden – Fur Nichts Garantieren
Minutemen – Self-Referenced
The Ghost Inside – Greater Distance
We Have Band – Divisive
Shad – Rose Garden
sir Yes sir – Have I Hell
Kettel – Verkens In Londen
Down to Earth – Prisms 3
Copywrite – Weather Report (Feat. Cage)
Tokyo Police Club – Favourite Colour
Digital Freq – Disco Falls (Radio Mix)
Beneath the Sky – Terror Starts At Home
Apollo Brown – Just Think feat Magestik Legend
Wide Angles – DDR
TC – Where’s My Money (Caspa Remix)
The Blueskies – Hen Nights And The Homeless
FACT – Slip Of The Lip
Casey Jones – If You’re Smoking In Here You Better Be On Fire
Upon A Burning Body – Carlito’s Way
Spit Syndicate – Kings Only
Not Advised – A Red Light Situation
Netsky – I Can’t Hold it
Blitzen Trapper – Dragon’s Song
Holy Fuck – Red Lights
Braille – Up
Endwell – Living Through Losses: 02/30/01
OOFT – Just Come To Me (Original Mix)
Free Energy – Bang Pop
Maundz – Milk Crates
I Am Abomination – Since 1776
Scorn – Bear Felt Nowt
Glass Candy – Etheric Device
DOOM – The Mask Ft. Ghostface
Sage Francis – Three Sheets To The Wind
Distance – Twilight
Surfer Blood – Floating Vibes
Ochre – Drink Malk
In Tall Buildings – The Way to a Monster’s Lair
Diversion Tactics – Return Of The Ladies Man
Kryptic Minds – chosen few
Wienzeile – geisterbahn
A Tribe Called Quest – Excursions