Australia: We Want Iraq’s Oil

Brendan Nelson - War Criminal

Australian Defence Minister Brendan Nelson has admitted that securing oil supplies is a key factor behind the presence of Australian troops in Iraq.

He said maintaining “resource security” in the Middle East was a priority.

The remarks are causing heated debate as the US-led Iraq coalition has avoided linking the war and oil.

Anti-war protesters say the government’s admission proves that the US-led invasion was more of a grab for oil rather than a genuine attempt to uncover weapons of mass destruction.
(Source: BBC News)

Well, the above “revelation” is no surprise to anyone with even a shred of rationality. But let’s just follow where it leads.

The US enlists oil-hungry allies like the UK and Australia to invade a sovereign, non-aggressor nation on the pretext of finding WMDs.

No WMDs of any kind were found.

Then, having bombed Iraq flat and destroyed any pre-existing security infrastructure, these brave allies wring their hands at the carnage around them.

USA: “Oh look – Iraq is a bloodbath now! We have to maintain our presence to stamp out all the evil foreign invaders (apart from us)! We have to establish peace and democracy by torturing innocent Iraqis to death in Abu Ghraib and killing another 655,000 of them! THIS IS OUR CHARITABLE DUTY! It’s not about the oil, oh no…”

Australia: “Oi, mate – it is about the oil. You drongoes.”

USA: “Shhhh…”

If you studied history, you’d be hard pressed to find any altruistic wars. Wars are always about resources and power. Whether the battles are over territory or oil, trade routes or goldmines, wars are always fundamentally about the same thing.

If anyone still believes the pre-emptive invasion of Iraq, a war crime in itself, was for the good of the Iraqi people, I’ve got some bridges I’d like to sell them.

Yet Another Health Scare For Morons

Killer Sandwich
The killer sandwich above later went on to slaughter the entire village Chorlton Krakenspoke, pop. 536.

Pre-packed sandwiches may contain as much salt as several bags of crisps, a study suggests.

The health lobby group Cash looked at 140 sandwiches on sale and found over 40% had 2g or more of salt – or a third of an adult’s recommended daily intake.

The “All Day Breakfast” variety were the worst offenders, but cheese and ham as well as chicken salad also featured.
(Source: BBC News)

Whaaaat? You mean bacon sandwiches have got salt in them? Bacon is salty?

Stop the fucking presses! This is a national health emergency!

In other shock news:

CIGGIES CAUSE SHADDERS ON YER LAHNGS!

EAT TOO MUCH AND DO TOO LITTLE AND YOU WILL BECOME A FAT FUCK!

This has been a Bzangy Public Service Announcement.

Smoke-Free (But Fart-Plenty) Clubbing

Le Pétomane

Last night was the first night I’ve been out clubbing in smoke-free England.

AND IT WAS GREAT!

I cannot tell you how lovely it was not to be choked by the fumes of people wafting fags about. And this morning, unlike every other time I’ve been out clubbing in the last 25 years, my clothes and self didn’t stink of stale cigarettes.

The only downside is that the Blue Note was guest to some of the most horrendous flatulence witnessed since Le Pétomane‘s last world tour.* The stench on the dance floor was so intense that I was rendered dizzy and palsied by the egregious, hirsute odour.

Indeed, the fart and body odour excuse is one often trotted out by smokers. “But once they ban MY FREEDOM TO GIVE NON-SMOKERS CANCER, all the pubs and clubs will stink of farts and BO! What about that then, eh, you anti-smoking fascists! EH? *cough* *splutter* *thrombosis*”

But, as far as I’m aware, there have been no scientific studies linking smelling farts or body odour to cancer. So, on the whole, I can cope with the occasional farty area rather than die in agony while my body is ripped apart by mutant cells.

* This is most probably an insult to the great Pujol, whose anal emissions were the toast of Europe.