Susie Orbach, Where Are You?

Carmen Kass

Studies have shown that while 25 years ago the average model weighed 8% less than the average American woman, today’s model weighs 23% below the national average. As our female icons turn into Barbie, we’re all turning into Bob the Builder.
(Source: The Guardian)

Apparently, Carmen Kass, pictured above, has “this season’s figure.” This is wrong on so many levels, I really don’t know where to start.

Firstly, she isn’t wasp-waisted or curvy. She’s simply another skinny frigger model with the lines of an adolescent boy. She seriously needs to eat some pies, though she’s not as emaciated as other fashion models. Her figure is delightful if you’re a gay man or a straight woman but of not so much interest to us straight/bi men, bi women and lezzers. One might almost be tempted to think that it was straight women and gay men who ran the fashion industry…

Secondly, whatever the pinheaded mavens of the fashion world may think, there is no fashion in body shape. Women are basically podgier, boobier, and smaller than men. We’ve maintained those sexual dimorphisms and very probably exaggerated them due to millions of years of sexual selection. This isn’t body fascism on the part of men: selection works both ways. How many straight women do you know who would pick a sexual partner a foot smaller than them? Or with bigger tits? It’s the last 80 years or so, where we’ve seen these gangly, giraffoid genetic rarities known as fashion models, that is the aberration. We have to ask ourselves: who benefits from projecting this entirely un-natural image of women?

I’ve said before, you can’t sell something to someone who is happy, who is content.

If the world of advertising and fashion showed realistic images of women, how would they sell anything? But if you make every normal woman feel she is too fat, too short, too big-arsed, too hairy, too ugly… well, hell, you’ve got them for life! They’ll buy your diets and your make up and your girdles and your control pants and your depilatory creams and every other pointless product. Make women feel bad about being normal women and you’ve struck gold.

My third and last point is where I’ll lose what few women are still reading…

IF (and that’s a big, capital letter IF since I think women shouldn’t give a shit what men think), IF you are going to structure your life as a woman about what is sexually attractive to men, at least get it right.

I call this my Porno Therapy. Most women I know think they’re too fat based on the women’s magazines they read, which are, of course, crammed full of adverts that are shouting, ‘YOU FAT BITCH! BUY THIS DIET! WEAR THESE SHOES! CAN YOU FIT INTO THIS DRESS?? YOU COULD IF YOU BOUGHT THIS FACE CREAM!’

The women in women’s magazines look fuck-all like real women. They’re all too tall, too thin, too boyish. Basically, a couple of knitting needles shoved into a sock in terms of figure. Amazingly, women believe this is the ideal figure in terms of what straight men fancy! Yep, we can’t get enough of 8-foot-tall, flat-chested stick-insects, yummy!

The way to defeat this tragic misapprehension is for women to go and buy an average porno mag. Not some hyper-glossy one that’s pretending to be art or an extremist silicone freakshow, just an average grot mag, like Escort or Razzle. Have a look at the women in the magazine. I bet most of them are under 5′ 7″. And they aren’t fashion-model thin, very far from it. They have curves, they have wobbly bits and little rolls of plumpness around their middles. Mmmm…plumpness.

As you gaze at these dimply, rounded beauties, remember, men pay money to wank over these images. Not images of high-fashion models, not the twiglets of magazine adverts, these round, bouncy girls. About the only thing that is abnormal is that they’re probably all too large-breasted compared to average women. So, if anything, they’re a bit too curvy rather than too thin.

If you’re a woman reading this and you think you’d be happier if you were six pounds lighter, give my Porno Therapy a go instead. With a couple of your girl mates, nip and buy a cheap and cheerful wank mag and take an objective, hard look at the women in it. Then put it next to Vogue and tell me, honestly, which magazine features women who look the most like you?