Girls, Please Send Me Your Naked Pictures

Where’s the Livejournal gif for my current mood?
I want it 128 colours and no dither used
So that dull fucking twats
See it and drop dead
Where’s the handy animation
To hang over my head?

Where’s the killfilter for your stream of utter shite?
Why can’t I banish you from my eyes?
Your thirteenth-hand opinions culled from the Live TV Newsbunny
Your reach never exceeds your grasp
Because you never reach for anything

I am so fucking bored
I am so fucking bored
I am so fucking bored
Of you

You’re made out of stars but you gaze at the gutter
When you open your gob
It’s a cynical mutter
If ignorance is bliss
You’re the happiest man alive

Girls, please send me your naked pictures
I’m in a hole and it’s getting deeper
Perhaps I can wank my way out of it
But I’m rather bored of all my porn
So maybe you could help me out?

Bless Playlist 29/11/2004

Jimmy Edgar
Jimmy Edgar

This week’s top new music was Jimmy Edgar‘s ‘Uniform (Citation).’ It’s from his new release on Warp Records. Please check it out if you’re a fan of the bleeping and the blooping.

The top old song was ‘White Punks On Hope’ by Crass. What can I say about Crass, these magnificent lions who roared while other “punk” bands were merely mewing? I had to play Crass because today, more than ever, we need lyrics like Crass used to write. Unafraid to be uncool, more concerned about content than style, pure fucking passion.

They said that we were trash, well the name is Crass, not Clash:

Sparta – Travel By Bloodline
Country Teasers – Black Change
Nautilis – Oh How Schmee Loves DSP
Musab (Aka Beyond) – Dyno Spectrum
Division Of Laura Lee – Does Compute
Bis – Shack Up
Breather Resist – A Social Worker’s Nightmare
Camera Obscura – Keep It Clean
Rodney P, Farmag, Mystro, Braintax – You Know Who You Are
Atom – He110
Blues Explosion – Damage
Bright Eyes – Gold Mine Gutted
Bernard Herrmann – The Day The Earth Stood Still
Rollins Band – Icon
Huoratron – Male Bonding
Peedo – Brand New World
High Water Marks – Queen Of Verlaine
Converge – Black Cloud
Saint Etienne – Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Plans And Apologies – Eggbound Mutebone
The Jeunes – Never Be The Same (White Town Remix)
Crass – White Punks On Hope
Nas – Represent
Menomena! – Cough Coughing
Khonnor – A Little Secret
Les Breastfeeders – Y A Rien Faire
RTX – Joint Chief
The Commodores – Too Hot Ta Trot
Swayzak – Speakeasy
I’m Not A Gun – Off In The Distance
Shearwater – The World In 1984
R.A. The Rugged Man – Lessons…
These Arms Are Snakes – Big News
Big Star – September Gurls
Jimmy Edgar – Uniform (Citation)
Blood Brothers – Beautiful Horses
The Shins – New Slang
Minutemen – Shit You Hear At Parties
John Barry – Amicalement Votre (Theme)
Death From Above 1979 – Romantic Rights
De Puta Madre – Vandal
The Lucksmiths – Camera-Shy
Karate – Tow Truck
Belle & Sebastian – Wrapped Up In Books

War Is Over (If You Want It)

Obviously what causes war is the desire for power, position, prestige, money; also the disease called nationalism, the worship of a flag; and the disease of organized religion, the worship of a dogma.

All these are the causes of war; if you as an individual belong to any of the organized religions, if you are greedy for power, if you are envious, you are bound to produce a society which will result in destruction. So again it depends upon you and not on the leaders – not on so-called statesmen and all the rest of them. It depends upon you and me but we do not seem to realize that.

If once we really felt the responsibility of our own actions, how quickly we could bring to an end all these wars, this appalling misery! But you see, we are indifferent. We have three meals a day, we have our jobs, we have our bank account, big or little, and we say, ‘For God’s sake, don’t disturb us, leave us alone’
(Source: …so who said this?)

I believe the above to be true.

The war in Iraq would be over if enough British and American citizens protested. We had over 1.5 million on the streets of London coming up to two years ago but Blair still carried on his slaughter plans. It was good but we needed more to stop Butcher Blair.

If Blair tried to organise a march of people who supported our invasion of Iraq, how many supporters would he get? 10,000? 1,000? How many people would actively give their time and money to support the killing of innocents.

Not many. Because war happens through our, the masses, inaction. We send our children over to shoot the enemy and be killed themselves, rewarding the grieving families with threadbare platitudes about courage and sacrifice.

Patriotism is a con trick, a sleight of hand that persuades working class kids to die for the whims of a handful of rich old men in Whitehall. And Washington.

The rest of us, the non-combatants, support the war with our apathy, with our indifference. We support the war with our thoughtless parroting of US government newspeak like “insurgents” and “collateral damage” when we should be saying “Iraqi children” and “bombed-out hospitals.” Our brains become colonised by the filthy memes of the PNAC cabal.

The U.S. military has used poison gas and other non-conventional weapons against civilians in Fallujah, eyewitnesses report.

”Poisonous gases have been used in Fallujah,” 35-year-old trader from Fallujah Abu Hammad told IPS. ”They used everything — tanks, artillery, infantry, poison gas. Fallujah has been bombed to the ground.”

”They used these weird bombs that put up smoke like a mushroom cloud,” Abu Sabah, another Fallujah refugee from the Julan area told IPS. ”Then small pieces fall from the air with long tails of smoke behind them.”

He said pieces of these bombs exploded into large fires that burnt the skin even when water was thrown on the burns. Phosphorous weapons as well as napalm are known to cause such effects. ”People suffered so much from these,” he said.
(Source: ZNet)

The horror continues and yet we keep on doing nothing. We see still pictures of US soldiers torturing civilian prisoners and we do nothing. We see video footage of US soldiers shooting unarmed, wounded civilians dead as they beg for mercy.

And we still do nothing.

If that US soldier had been shooting a puppy, I’m sure the outrage in Britain would have been enormous. We love animals in Britain. Johnny Foreigner, we’re not quite so bothered about.

You can stop the war. If you care enough, if you do enough, if you break through the straitjacket of your indifference to the suffering of other humans.

War is over… if you want it.

The Wundaweb!

I just got this incoming transmission from Commander Zorg, CEO of UK Resistance:


Thanks for ignoring most of 2003, when the site wasn’t funny, or updated, or any good.


That’s the beauty of the wunnerful innerned. Maybe Zorg’s a stalker of mine but I think it’s more likely he found my UKR plug whilst Google egosurfing. Yay for Google! And egos! (But not ids and any monsters thereof.)

I now feel duty-bound to further plug UKR. Specifically, you should go and look at this Retro Gaming Special

I’ve no idea how old the curators of UKR are. But to an old, old man like me, the mere mention of Sam Fox Strip Poker brings a tear to my eye. Missus. I hope one day they’ll do a special feature on that game you could get for the Apple IIe which involved bunnies and some gnomes. I’m not making that up, by the way.

I loved it when UKR and its contributors would raid a foolishly unguarded Fujitsu-Siemens server:




And I’m providing the following two items nicked from UKR as a public service for n0083z who aren’t as 1££t as me:



I feel that the whole of UKR, even the bits they leave coyly unlinked, should be collated into a fine, hardbound annual. It would make a fine bogside book.

UK Resistance

I used to read a lot of funny websites. Then I stopped because they weren’t funny any more. The funny was replaced with banner ads strobing at 30Hz, popups, popunders, popfuckingsideways and leaden parodies of Star Wars films. This emigration to Unfunny Land was usually when the websites started chasing big money, hanging out in London / LA and using phrases like ‘venture capitalists’ seriously. Web comedy became as dull and corporatised as Creation Records post-Sony.

But UK Resistance remains funny. And geeky. And funny for geeks. It’s full of silly, childish humour like this:


or this:


or this:


Okay, they can’t spell ‘developer’ but I’ll let ’em off.

Logic Pro 7 Hell

I managed to capture the above pic in the few Planck seconds that Logic wasn’t crashing like a bastard

I haven’t been writing much on here lately because I’ve been finishing off a remix I’m doing for The Jeunes, an excellent up-and-coming band from Seattle.

One of the reasons it’s taken so bloody long is that I recently upgraded to Logic Pro 7.

And it’s been hell.

The previous version, 6.4xx, was bomb-shelter stable. I could try and make it topple over and it would just keep ticking on quite happily.

But version 7…

It’s unusable for professional work. Just today, I was tweaking the final mix and it started refusing to play the song. The first bar would play and then audio would stop, even as the screen scrolled through the song. It said it was playing but it wasn’t. Then it crashed out completely to the desktop, with that ever-infuriating ‘send error report to Apple’ window popping up. I tried to play the song around twenty times, muting or freezing different tracks. It made no difference: audio kept cutting out and then Logic crashed. So I had to roll-back to an earlier version that worked and re-create, as far as possible, what I’d lost in the crashy version.

This is not how a professional piece of software should behave.

I think the culprit is the new AU Manager that’s been implemented in version 7. Why? Well, it seems to be the major thing that’s changed in the upgrade. Plugins that worked perfectly fine with 6.4 are now deemed unusable and fail to load. Other plugins which are verified and loaded, like Albino 2, crash Logic to the desktop if you try to save a preset within them. But according to the Linplug site, Albino 2 works prefectly with the AU Manager. And the AU Manager says that too. So why does trying to save crash Logic, eh?

Working with Logic now is like trying to balance a spinning tea-tray on a bit of bamboo. You can fool yourself that you’ve got the hang of it, that it’s quite predictable but sooner or later you’ll have scones on the floor and a dent in your head.

I scoured the official support pages but found no help. This snippet was the most use:

Audio Units plug-ins which “failed” or “crashed” the validation test, can be enabled—but be aware that these plug-ins can cause problems. Use of plug-ins that have crashed the validation can negatively affect the test results of subsequently scanned plug-ins, can cause Logic crashes or even lead to data loss (destroyed song files).

Which sound like what’s happening to me. But I’m not using any AU plugins that failed validation.

Finally, I had to export all the tracks as audio and import them into a new song in Logic 6.4, losing any tweakability totally. So, I managed to finish the remix but the whole process took me around ten or twenty times as long as it was meant to.

Thanks to Logic Pro 7.

I might try to find the huge box it came in and give it a good kicking.

Bless Playlist 22/11/2004

Robotnicka, great punk fun

Tonight’s top new song was ‘Banana’ by French punks Robotnicka. It’s a marvellous splurge of techpunk, sounding a bit like ’79 Devo but with its own twist. But don’t take my word for it: since Robotnicka are lovely anarchists, you can check it out yourself by downloading it from their website here. Actually, you can get the whole album ‘Spectre En Vue…’ and it’s well worth having. I only hope they come and play somewhere in Britain soon.

Pretty soon, I’ll be compiling a list of my fave albums this year. Tonight, I played a few tunes from some of these, like Shearwater, Deerhoof and Say Hi To Your Mom. It’s been a great year for new music, one of the best I can remember. But, as good as these tunes are, they’re not really old so tonight’s top old tune was Harpers Bizarre’s version of ‘Knock On Wood.’ Beautiful!

Cougars – Flatbush
Ulrich Schnauss – On My Own
Show & A.G. – Got The Flava
Stars – What I’m Trying To Say
Robag Wruhme – Hugendubel
The Plastic Constellations – East Cleveland
Rodney P, Farmag, Mystro, Braintax – You Know Who You Are
The Lyres – Soapy
Swayzak – Speakeasy
Wilco – Heavy Metal Drummer
Mos Def, Diverse, Prefuse 73 – Wylin Out (Rjd2 Remix)
The Sound – Cold Beat
Bis – Shack Up
Michel Legrand – Di-Gue-Ding-Ding
Ben Kweller – Wasted & Ready
Wu-Tang Clan – Shame On A Nigga
Less Than Jake – Kehoe
Quintron – Place Unknown
String Theory – Eugelab
Air Miami – World Cup Fever
Say Hi To Your Mom – Pop Music Of The Future
Mr. Lif – The Unorthodox
Pantera – Slaughtered
Camera Obscura – Eighties Fan
Max Tundra – Mbgate
RTX – Joint Chief
Sage Francis – Gunz Yo
Biffy Clyro – Strung To Your Ribcage
Kings Of Convenience – Toxic Girl
To Rococo Rot – Bologna
Blood Brothers – Teen Heat
Harpers Bizarre – Knock On Wood
Robotnicka – Banana
Khonnor – A Little Secret
Promoe – These Walls Don’t Lie
Weezer – Mykel And Carli
Deerhoof – Milkman
Eight Miles High – Latein
Melt-Banana – Stick Out
The Lemonheads – Into Your Arms
Louis Logic – Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Guided By Voices – Gonna Never Have To Die
LCD Soundsystem – Losing My Edge
The Album Leaf – The Outer Banks
Chin Up Chin Up – Why Is My Sleeping Bag A Ghetto Muppet
Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Shimmy Shimmy Ya
Shearwater – The World In 1984

Colin Powell – Good Riddance To Another PNAC Nazi

I’m watching the ITV news about the resignation of Colin Powell. What complete, utter bullshit.

They’re painting him as some kind of moderate. Moderate? I suppose if you called Speer a moderate Nazi, then Powell is a moderate in relation to the PNAC cabal who now run America.

At this moment they’re talking about Powell’s glittering career as a military man. Here’s a photo from his great war past:

That’s an image from the My Lai massacre, when US troops slaughtered innocent Vietnamese civilians much as they are doing in Fallujah as you read this. Was Colin Powell a brave whistle-blower, bringing those responsible for these war crimes to justice? No.

Colin Powell, then a young US Army Major, was charged with investigating the massacre. Powell wrote: “In direct refutation of this portrayal is the fact that relations between American soldiers and the Vietnamese people are excellent.” Later, Powell’s refutation would be called an act of “white-washing” the news of the Massacre, and questions would continue to remain undisclosed to the public.
(Source: Wikipedia)

What about the first Gulf War. Wasn’t that a glorious, surgical campaign? Colin Powell came out of that one smelling of roses. Not surprising with the way the media was mangaged in that conflict. Like the revisionist history of the US invasion and butchery of Vietnam, that war was a total whitewash too:

It wasn’t until late in the afternoon of Feb. 25 that the press pool was permitted to see where the attack occurred. There were groups of Iraqi prisoners. About 2,000 had surrendered. But there were no bodies, no stench of feces that hovers on a battlefield, no blood stains, no bits of human beings. “You get a little firefight in Vietnam and the bodies would be stacked up like cordwood,” Daniel said. Finally, Daniel found the Division public affairs officer, an Army major.

“Where the hell are all the bodies?” Daniel said.

“What bodies?” the officer replied.

Daniel and the rest of the world would not find out until months later why the dead had vanished. Thousands of Iraqi soldiers, some of them alive and firing their weapons from World War I-style trenches, were buried by plows mounted on Abrams main battle tanks. The Abrams flanked the trench lines so that tons of sand from the plow spoil funneled into the trenches. Just behind the tanks, actually straddling the trench line, came M2 Bradleys pumping 7.62mm machine gun bullets into the Iraqi troops.

“I came through right after the lead company,” said Army Col. Anthony Moreno, who commanded the lead brigade during the 1st Mech’s assault. “What you saw was a bunch of buried trenches with people’s arms and legs sticking out of them. For all I know, we could have killed thousands.”
(Source: Digital Journalist)

As for Iraqi civilians in the first war, Powell said at the time he was “not terribly interested” in how many of those the US had massacred. Civilians? They don’t matter unless they’re American.

I’ve now watched five or six TV news reports. All of them say “Powell, who was seen as a moderate.” It seems to be a line passed round, like some kind of White House briefing.

This “moderate” Powell, is he the same Powell who did a Kruschev at the UN, declaring that the US knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Iraq had numerous WMDs and bioweapons? Is this the same “moderate” Powell who bribed and bullied nations like Spain into supporting the illegal invasion and massacre of Iraq?

I’ve also seen two or three web news reports calling Powell “a dove amongst hawks.” Yes, a professional solider, a concealer of war crimes, definitely sounds like a dove to me. Just how much bullshit are we meant to swallow before we vomit? There’s a pile of 100,000+ Iraqi dead and their blood is on Powell’s hands.

Remember that when you see all the fawning, myopic coverage of this “great leader” and his resignation.

Bless Playlist 15/11/2004

Chin Up Chin Up
Chin up, Chin Up Chin Up!

Tonight’s top tune was ‘I Hope For Tumbleweeds’ by Chin Up Chin Up. Confusing name, cracking band. Check out their debut album on Flameshovel Records. It’s a corker, very layered and yet still accessible. They’ve been compared to Braid but to my ears they’re a lot poppier. Still twiddly but poppier.

The top old tune was ‘Brooklyn Zoo’ by Ol’ Dirty Bastard. I’m still upset about his death so I won’t say any more.

Tonight’s playlist:

Blumfeld – Verstarker
LA The Darkman – Heist Of The Century (Ft. Killa Sin)
The Modernist – Data Girl
Alexis On Fire – Pulmonary Archery
Serge Gainsbourg – Les Femmes C’est Du Chinois
Non-Prophets – Disasters
Spoon – The Fitted Shirt
DJ Rupture – Bonechip
Karate – Tow Truck
De La Soul – He Comes Ft. Ghostface
AFI – Porphyria
Ove-Naxx – Wabisabi Violence
The Clash – Atom Tan
Rufio – Still
Promoe – These Walls Don’t Lie
Khonnor – A Little Secret
Bleeding Through – Revenge I Seek
Bis – Shack Up
Minor Threat – Filler
Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Brooklyn Zoo
The Arcade Fire – Neighborhood #2 (Laika)
Quintron – Place Unknown
Radioactive Man – Night Bus To Nowhere (Original Mix)
Shellac – Prayer To God
Devo – It’s Not Right
Louis Logic – Fuckem
Guided By Voices – Huffman Prarie Flying Field
New House W/ Katie Enlow – Best Of Jill Hives
Bad Religion – American Jesus
Slag Boom Van Loon – Poppy Seed (Reprise)
Laura Veirs – Icebound Stream
The Cramps – I Was A Teenage Werewolf
7L & Esoteric – Loud & Clear
Faction – Outland
Firehose – Sometimes
Chin Up Chin Up – I Hope For Tumbleweeds
Adeem – Broken Right Wing
Black Flag – Louie Louie
Boards Of Canada – Olson (Version 3)
Kings Of Convenience – Little Kids (Ladytron Remix)
Monster – Gone Gone Gone
Richard Hell And The Voidoids – Blank Generation
Midnight Movies – Just To Play
To Rococo Rot – Bologna
Yo La Tengo – Speeding Motorcycle
Television Personalities – Part Time Punks
Jens Lekman – Black Cab

R.I.P. O.D.B.


Ol’ Dirty Bastard, one of the rap world’s most colorful characters and biggest troublemakers, died Saturday afternoon, after collapsing at the Wu-Tang Clan’s Manhattan recording studio. He was 35, and would have turned 36 today [Monday 15th].

Fucking hell – 35?

For anyone who’s ever loved hip hop, ODB’s death is like a kick in the gut. The man was a stone-cold genius, his flow was revolutionary.

When I first heard ’36 Chambers,’ 11 years ago, it was such an insane record it made my head hurt. Of course, now everyone knows the Wu sound, the lurching, rattling, schizoid funk that they invented. But back then hip hop was still in the thrall of the super smooooov West Coast g-funk sound. The hyper-quantised beats, regulated rapping and widdly leadsynth lines had become sterile. Wu destroyed that dominance as surely as grunge killed bighair metal.

ODB’s first solo album proved his passion, the way he leapt into his art, giving everything to it. He had the best timing ever. ‘Brooklyn Zoo’ is surely one of the best songs ever recorded, the collision of the one-legged piano riff with ODB’s rapping is awesome. And then he came out with ‘Nigga Please.’ What a record – seventy shades of crazy shit, even including a consummate pop hit in ‘Got Your Money.’

ODB, I’ll miss you. The world has lost another innovator, another musical visionary.