Timewasting Tests

Soo… I’m transferring 45 gigs of files from my G5 to my Glyph drive… what can I do while I’m hanging round, waiting for it to finish?

Time for some quality timewasting!

I AM 40% GEEK!

40% GEEK

You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the “normal” crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.

Only 40% Geek? I’m shocked by this – I feel the test wasn’t weighted enough towards SF and science speculation. And anyone who wires Ethernet sockets for fun is definitely more than 40% geek. Where were the questions about 6502 assembler or the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory? HUMBUG, I SAY!


I AM 36% HIPPIE!

36% HIPPIE

I need to step away from the tie-dye. I smell too good to be a hippie and my dad is probably a cop. Being a hippie is not a fashion craze, man. It was a way of life, in the 60’s, man.

I feel this is also too low since I am very much a hippie, I’m just not a bloody crusty. More Weather Underground and less Stig of the Dump, please!


I AM 45% ASSHOLE/BITCH!

45% ASSHOLE/BITCH

I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

This should have been higher since I lot of people think I’m a major arsehole. How do I know? Well, they kindly email me to point it out, usually while accusing me of being pro-terrorist or some such bullshit. Mind you, these people tend to be right-wing, racist, fascist, fundamentalist Christian nutters so pot, kettle?


I AM 28% METROSEXUAL!

28% METROSEXUAL

I may own more than two pair of dress shoes, and maybe a designer suit, but I don’t mind going to the grocery store in sweats. And I may even go a day or two without a shower.

Yes. As a grumpy old man approaching forty, I don’t hold with all this metrosexual bullshit. It’s not about feminising men or re-examining conventional gender roles or whatever other shite its proponents claim: it’s about selling more products. Make men buy cosmetics, make them buy useless hair products. Here’s a tip: men don’t need make-up, women don’t need make-up, no human being needs to cake their face in essence of possum’s arse. It’s a complete waste of bastard time, spend your time behind a book rather than in front of a mirror. You be-mulleted CUNTS!


I AM 76% EVIL GENIUS!

76% EVIL GENIUS

I am pure evil. I lie awake at night devising schemes of world domination, and I will not rest until all living souls bend to my will.

I tried to get a low score on this one but obviously didn’t manage. I’m not evil, honestly. Just misunderstood. But, as I say to my mates, passers by in the street and here on the internet to complete strangers, if I was King Of The World, things would be a lot better. I’d make a great benevolent dictator.


I AM 64% TORTURED ARTIST!

64% TORTURED ARTIST

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Capicity? Capicity? Cuh!

Useless fact: I wrote a song called ‘The Tortured Artist’ 21 years ago, when I was 17. It was pretty bloody good. No-one understood it, of course.


I AM 32% GOTH!

32% GOTH

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company’s time. I do need to eat.

Again, a poor test since it actually tests for crap American gothness, rather than classical, Eurogoth values. It’s all post-Matrix, post-Marilyn stuff, the music-hall (or should that be Vaudeville?), MTV version of goth.

Where were the questions about Hesse, RLYL and how many kittens you own? It is a sad day indeed when a Goth test makes nary a mention of either existentialism or The Birthday Party. Less ‘wooh scary fangs’ and more velvet, Byron and consumption, if you please.


I AM 68% EMO!

68% EMO

Well.. I’ve made the cut! Now I’ll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

What?? How can I be a cocking emo “kid” when I’m 38? I’m so old I don’t even consider ’emotional hardcore’ a proper fucking genre (like that other marketing invention, trip hop). As far as I can see, beyond the very early stuff, it’s just another label for US college kids doing guitar pop that sounds like 80s Brit indie. If I’m 68% emo, then Lloyd Cole must be the King of Emo.


I AM 47% INTERNET ADDICT!

47% INTERNET ADDICT

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

For the record, I’ve never MUDded or coded CGI scripts. Yes, I did have a brief problem with IRC but since going cold turkey, that’s all behind me. I swear.


I AM 22% WHITE TRASH!

22% WHITE TRASH

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Brown trash? Wahey… only 15 gigs left to go…


I AM 48% GRUNGE!

48% GRUNGE

What’s this? The longest I’ve been without a shower is three days? Not even close, man. I should go sit out in the rain for a week.

Not a bad quiz. But any true grunger would have intimate knowledge about K and 53rd and 3rd records. Jack Pepsi, motherfucker!


I AM 30% PUNK ROCK!

30% PUNK ROCK

Well, I may know what punk is, but… Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Hmmm… again, this was more ‘comedy punk stereotype’ rather than any kind of aesthetic, political or philosophical evaluation. I guess it’s a pretty good test if you want to audition for Avril Lavigne videos, though. All the regulation punk cultural signifiers are there, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.


Agh. Come ON! I wish I had a Firewire 800 drive. Although I’m not convinced of the sustained transfer rate. Heh… I’m complaining about how long it takes to transfer 45 gigs. Me, wot grew up typing CHAIN into a little computer with 32 kilobytes of RAM.

Hmmm. This story generator thingy is okay. It could also double as a Bonzo lyric generator:

Subject: The BLUE GOATS in the BEDROOM and Other Business.
From: Mr. RED, CHAIR Supervisor
To: All Employees of HAUNTING KOOKABURRA Inc.

It has come to my OBESE attention that the BEDROOM has been WILLINGLY HELD WITH with BLUE GOATS. I am tired of dealing with SKETCHY employees and their BLUE GOATS. The BEDROOM is meant for RUNNING. It is not a TABLE room.

On a more CRAVEN note, I would like to SEE all of you for the LUMINOUS work you all did on the BLUE GLASS account. You should all be WETLY PROVED.

Also, be sure to welcome ANTHONY, the newest member of the IPOD department. They will be a EARTHY CHIMERA to our family.

PLEASANTLY Yours,
Mr. RED, CHAIR Supervisor.


And now, my transfer has done so see ya!