Media Mourns As Dr. Goebbels Steps Down

Today’s media is full of tributes and warm anecdotes about Alistair Goebbels. It’s commonly known that as well as being the lynchpin of the Ministry of Propaganda, Goebbels was Tony Hitler’s right-hand man, his true deputy.

“He truly was a master of distortion”, recalls Hugo Bootlicker of The Independent. “I remember the first time we met, he was kicking a small Iraqi child in the face. But the press coverage the next day painted him as the child’s avuncular saviour! Oh, how we laughed!”

“Say what you like about Ali”, says Hugo Lapdog of The Guardian,”but when it came to selling the idea that murdering 6000 Iraqis was in fact for their own benefit, Ali was the master. He had a great sense of humour – you don’t hear people talk enough about that. In our press briefings, he’d often make hilarious asides about the number of lives he’d helped take via his expert spin doctoring. He was a consummate professional at his job, which basically was to steer Britain into a course of illegal invasion and mass murder. I don’t think Tony could have done so well without him.”

Alistair Goebbels started life on the other side of the table, cutting a swathe as editor of Der Sturmer. It was his prominence in this area which eventually led to him being invited to work personally with Tony Hitler in his plans to popularise a policy of international pre-emptive invasion. Whilst on holiday with Hitler, it’s generally known that he came up with the catchphrase of ’45 minutes from attack’ which helped sell the invasion.

Says BBC political correspondent Hugo Quango, “Ali will be dearly missed by me and many other journalists. Yes, you could argue that the man was a cold-blooded murderer who helped justify, plan and implement the slaughter of thousands of innocent people. But I feel that’s being entirely too picky. Ali’s a good egg, basically. You should see him on the sidelines, cheering on his team. How can anyone dislike someone who loves football so much?”

More tributes to Goebbels can be found on pages 13-23. Due to lack of space, there will be no coverage of the situation in Iraq today.