London, 13th April: Fewer than 50,000 runners competed in a so-called “marathon” today (organisers claimed 36,000, the police claimed only 1,000, if that. Probably less).

Geoff Hoon commented, “These are obviously extremists whose views are not shared by the majority of the population of Britain. Their actions are entirely pointless and they represent a tiny minority. Therefore, we are going to cover their actions meticulously, devote hours of live television coverage to their “run” and commission sentimental, gushing editorials from all the leading tabloids.”

“Anything to distract the population at large from the fact that Tony Blair is a war criminal and I myself am a murderous, lying cunt.”

Mr. Hoon then proceeded to punch a stranger next to him on the grounds that, “the fucker was looking at me funny, like.”